- Mood:
crappy - Music:until we get caught- hit the lights
heart all of youse..
xoxoxox
- Location:brisbane
- Mood:
indescribable - Music:none..sigh
have faith in me gurls.. i need it.. i dont know how much longer i can stand being like this... also my friend is getting me some prescription pills YAY for obese ppls.. YAY!!! xenical... anyone ever been on and know how too get them without prescription??
- Location:home
- Music:speakers blown - hit the lights
i hate myself.. argh.. im so gross.. y cant i be thin as i used too be.. a nice small size 10.. 65kgs... im sick of being a fat 12 and weighing 75 kilos.. ITS RANK!! argh.. so depressing and now im really thirsty cuz i just went and binged again..and purged......again
- 2L ice cream
- 3 dollars chips and gravy (which is ALOT)
- 2 cuppa soups
- loaf of bread with mounds of butter so its earier to throw up
- bacon and egg roll
- vanilla slice
and this was from 10-11... with like 4 purges in the middle and the sad thing was i was thinking i dont want too do this im sick of it yet i felt the need too consume it all!! FUCK!! y?!
and then i was trying on my old clothes cuz im going home for a week and need too pack stuff and what not and like NONE of it fits.. well it fits but not like it used too and i look rank everyone will comment on me its gonna be so embarrasing.. im scared about going up....
xoxox
- Location:home
- Mood:
depressed - Music:dancing in the moonlight... toploader
ok so yesterday morning i go too the gym and weigh myself.. i weighed 75kgs!! thats 2 kilos lots tince wednesday!! OMG! im so excited!! and then today i started off really well.. i got up and had 1/2 an apple then played 30 mins of hard netball which worked it off by far.. but i am bloated for some reaon which makes me feel gross as all hell... but then i held out untill i got home then i had 2 cuppa soups and an apple which still kept my cals at about 250 for the day until the lady im staying with brought me home marshamllows and hot chocolate powder.. ARGH!!! then the big ungly binge beast came back and next thing u know i have eaten 400g of marshamllows and a whole tin of hot choc powder and a litre of soy milk.. that was my milk for the week.. *sob* so then u know what came next... bring on the toilet.. sigh.. i went the whole day without purging and then.. BLAH. sigh...
so i started off well but i have probly gained everything back on again.. and now i have had 3 apples... so im proble around 600cals today.. sigh.. wish i was thin.
- Location:computer room
- Mood:
blah - Music:radio - regina spektor
what do i do??? i go and blow 60 bucks on food and drink so i can gorge my fat self and then throw it back up!! no jking!! wtf?! omg how much of a fatty can i be?!
so yea.. i did that and my god does my throat hurt now...
i had, a spring roll, a shake from wendys, another shake from a different place, a drink from gloria jeans x 2 and a cookie, another cookie from some other place, a pie!! - cheese and cauliflour, 6 cookies from subway, a hot chocolate, 2x lrg potato and gravey and 2x reg chips from KFC, oreo and caramel topping McFlurry and a rg vanilla shake from McDonalds and a muffin from muffin break!!
im so depressed.. and then today i had for dinner... 2x muffins with cheese, bacon and tomato sauce on them (AND I HATE BACON, i only had it cuz it was there) 3x toast with butter, 1L on ice cream and 2 dollars chips with 1 jar of mayo!! and what for?! for me too hate myself and throw it back up again!! argh!! im so rank.. i hate myself atm.. i woke up this morning and i looked the thinnest i had in ages! and no i look rank and disgusting and i wanna go cut all my fat off me right now...
- Location:home
- Mood:
infuriated - Music:come and check your head - blue king brown
im so excited i nearly fit into my jeans again.. i know this isnt just from the last 2 days but still its exciting!!!
Then after work BEFOR the gym i went and bought some snacky food.. just a few rice crakers and soya chips but still YUCK.. so once again a waste of money of which i am short on atm gets spent on junk that just gets thrown back up again.. sigh.... so over all for the day...
- 2L of water (probly the only thing i have done right today)
- a ridiculosly calorie ridden gloria jeans drink
- 200gs of rice cakes and soya chips
im at the gym again and dreading going home.. but im missing my bus home and busing too my bfs uni where he is atm so i get home later and have less time too binge.. i dont want too stuff this up this time.
i am doing this properly and thats it.. i am determined to do this.. i wonder what my calorie intake for today is considering the fact that i vomited most of it up.. im not sure what too count it as.. but i know tomorrow i have a 600 day.. im scared.. i am actually scared i dont want too be able too have 600cals because i will get carried away and next thing u know its gone from 600 - 1000!! and then im fcked real bad...
sigh... i hope it gets better i really do.. it will get easier.. im loving the hunger pains alot!! they are comforting and when they go after i eat its a little disturbing.. sigh.. well im off again. im considering only buying 20 dollars groceries for next week... maybe even 15.. no bread, pastas, milk (except light soy), lollies, dairy, meat.. yuck yuck yuck GROSS...
think thin.. love you xoxox
- Location:gym.. again
- Mood:
determined - Music:save your breath untill we get caught
- 2L of water
- 1/4 cup museli with diet soy.. which ended in the toilet.. what can i say.
- 1 piece of toast.
and now im at the gym and have been here for 2 hrs.. im jusdt having a break cuz i nearly fainted.. i ran for 30mins on the treadmill.. walked for 20 mins.. rode the bike for 40mins and have been doing my abs for 20mins and then started running again but got really dizzy and pale and felt it was best not too pass out in the middle of a gym so i came on the net for a while..
so today has gone well for me i had forgotten what it was like to feel this way, god i have missed it so so so very much... so tomorrow is ment too be my 400 day.. i dont want it too be.. i wanna see if i can do another 200 day and then move onto 400... its my goal but i know that 400 is there if i have to.
me and my boyfriend had a HUGE fight last night which didnt do me any favours in the binging department.. we nearly broke up.. i was devo... i didnt know what to do.. but we are all good now, i guess living together isnt as easy as people think it is even if u do love each other to death. However i know he wishes i was thinner, but he wants me to do it healthily.. healthily doesnt work for me i eat a carrot and gain a kilo!! so yea.. but this seems to be working so far so good even though its only day one. lol. anyone else wannajoin me for the next month just give me a heads up.. :)
- Location:gym
- Mood:
calm - Music:helena- MCR
i was wondering if u eat it and throw it back up does it count if u get it all back up???
xx
in the beginning there were dinosaurs. I am a modern day dinosaur... i am large, unique and someday will become extinct. My name is michelle, people call me chell, moo, moe.... thats these days.. people used too call me....
fat ass, hippo chick, barge ass, tree trunks in reference too my legs and sometimes the spawn of lard...
these taunts molded me into what i am today a 5'11, 77kg, 18 year old female.... i used to weigh approx. 100kgs when i finally got fed up of looking ungly and repulsive so i did something about it.. i tried too diet. numerous diets failed and eventually i became obsessed with a girl at school, well a couple of girls at school, these girls were the vision of perfect, blonde hair, tans to die for, blue eyes, slender toned bodies as they were both sport addicts and never ate a bad morsel in their life. lets just say i turned these girls in goddesses (not that they werent already that) i also was dying for attention from the other sex... i was in year 10 and never been kissed, never had a bf, never held another boys hand, never hugged a boy ever... i longed for someone.... so i dieted.. but dieting never seemed too work so one night i decided too skip dinner..
it was suprising easy what i have done to sculpt my body... the dinners missed... ice cream thrown up...
"she must get hungry" i can hear u thinking... how wrong u are.. i never felt a thing, i dont know y or how i did it but in 13 weeks i went from a near size 20 to a size 14 but i wasnt too stop there.... i carried on down to a 10 were i sat determined to be an 8 with hopes of becoming a model..
nearly 5 dress sizes in under a year... a fair effort i must say.. no exercise, just a little food here and there was what i was living on and i loved it.. then along came my first and only bf, who thought the world of me.. and then came the food... i was content around him i didnt feel the need too be thinner than what i was as he loved me how i was... i gained.
i am now to this day a size 12-14 and weigh 77 kgs... very disgusting.. i am tracking my progress through this diary( as well as other things) over the next month i will be following the 2468 plan with 2 days fasting every week... wish me luck. xx
- Location:gym
- Mood:
hopeful - Music:pink
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